Things that made me laugh this past week

This week was characterized by weird news headlines that would make you think they’re from The Onion.

I have to admit I really laughed at some of the things I learned this week, they weren’t necessarily new, but they still made me laugh.

I’m going to start with something that dates to the beginning of the month.

Mattel’s “Drag Queen” Barbie

Many sites, blogs, and Facebook pages have been reporting that Mattel, the makers of Barbie, have come up with a doll that’s more than just your regular Barbie doll, and that, in fact, comes with a “special package,” if you know what I mean. They’ve been spreading rumors that a doll called “Drag Queen Barbie” will hit the shelves in December, and that it’s a man. This made me laugh really hard because only part of that rumor is true.

The truth of the matter is, Mattel commissioned the NY fashion-design duo The Blonds, to come up with a design for a new doll, and the doll’s actual name is Blond Diamond Barbie. According to her creators, Mattel and the fashion-design duo The Blonds, “she is female, the same Barbie that has been a doctor, a teacher, and an astronaut, and now she is glamorized in The Blonds creations.”  This doll hits the shelves in December for $125 USD. [via]

I love how the rumors were spread around as actual news.

Legitimate Rape

This is one of those headlines that you normally read from The Onion, not from a Republican representative. Todd Akin, Republican of Missouri, commented to a St. Louis television station on pregnancy as a result of rape.

When he was asked whether he believes abortion is justified in cases of rape, he replied that rape does not result in pregnancy. “It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”

His expert opinion sounds as bad as when Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens referred to the internet as “a series of tubes“. Now everyone, including his own party, is asking him to step aside as the party’s nominee for U.S. Senate in Missouri, but he’s refusing. I don’t think his chances of winning are any good.

And now the Legitimate Rape song, by the Renegade Raging Grannies.

 Restoring old paintings should never be a DIY project

An elderly Spanish woman tried to restore a 19th century fresco. The problem is that she’s not a painter or a professional restorer.

Cecilia Gimenez, who is in her 80s, was upset at the way the Ecce Homo, a fresco on the walls of the church of Santuario de Misericordia, had deteriorated, so she tried her hand at it. When she realized the work was more than she bargained for (aka she made a mess), she contacted Juan Maria Ojeda, the city councillor in charge of cultural affairs. There’s also a BBC interview with the woman.

As you can see on the picture, the poor woman made a mess out of it, and I doubt it can be restored at all, I think they’re gonna have to bring an artist to try and make a replica. This has become one of the biggest “fails” on the net right now, and has spawn a ton of parodies that include:

Yeah, I don’t think this will be over any time soon…

Texas Judge Tom Head ‘Civil War’ warning if President Obama gets re-elected

Sometimes we tell weird stories and make up what-if scenarios when we’re drunk. According to judge Head, if Obama gets re-elected he will “try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public’s going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war. … I’m not talking just talking riots here and there. I’m talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever.”

Head vowed to personally stand “in front of their personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.’ And I’ve asked the sheriff. I said, ‘Are you going to back me on this?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, I’m going to back you.’ Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia.”

Here’s the video so nobody takes him “out of context.”

This guy oversees emergency planning efforts in his county,  was he drunk or something? That’s drunk talk right there.

A deaf guy and a hooker busted at a Friendly’s Restaurant

That’s something you don’t hear everyday, no pun intended.

Police say a local man was ordering up more than food and getting too friendly with his female companion at a family restaurant. Michael Carrier, 45, of Bristol, was charged with soliciting a prostitute at the Friendly’s Restaurant. Linda Ottanio-King, 46, of New Milford, was charged with offering it. The man told her to speak loudly, so she proceeded to explain all her rates and services as loud as she could.

Police were called after patrons, who included children near the couple, overheard details of a transaction in sex the two were arranging. Carrier later told police he has a hearing problem and needed Ottanio-King to speak loudly.

As you can see, justice is blind….( •_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)…but not deaf.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

RIP Lance Armstrong, greatest moon cyclist ever

Neil Armstrong, the astronaut, the one who made the “giant leap for mankind” as the first human to set foot on the moon, died on Saturday. He was 82.

Lance Armstrong, the former professional race cyclist, the one who won the Tour of France 7 times is alive, but facing steroid use allegations.

So, with that said, can somebody explain to me just what the hell happened here?

The stupid is strong in these ones. Before you think that’s a joke, check this out on twitter. It’s really sad that people would confuse a guy who’s in the history books with a professional athlete just because of their last name, doesn’t the first name count anymore? This is why we can’t have nice things. [via reddit, title via tiddlywinks comment on imgur]

Do you have dumb news to share? You can find me on twitter @retrohellix, facebook, or by email using the contact form.